The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 6 July 2013

Peter Bone Fails In Bid For "Thatcher Day"

Looney Right campaigner and Tory MP for Wellingborough Peter Bone has failed in his attempt to get the August Bank Holiday renamed "Margaret Thatcher Day." His bid fell foul of the rules governing Parliament which give MP's more holidays and time off than most other professional pickpockets. Devastated and disappointed, Bone was left with only nine seconds of Parliamentary time to outline his scheme before he was forced to give up and think up ways to pad out his expense account instead. "This is important," he told our reporter. "If the President of Turkmenistan can ban ballet dancing and gold teeth then I don't see why we Tories can't have a Margaret Thatcher Day. If we can't get this through then how will ever get the death penalty reinstated or have the NHS privatised? Then there's the problem of UKIP. Everyone knows that if we get a Margaret Thatcher Day then former Tories who have turned to UKIP because they are insane will immediately return to the Tory party where they naturally belong. How can we survive as a political party without the blue-rinse "its all the fault of the EU, filthy foreigners and the unions" vote? Still, I am confident that we can get every school in the country to erect a bronze statue of the Blessed Margaret in their playgrounds in order to celebrate her stealing free school milk and every former mining community doing the same to celebrate her freeing them from meaningless jobs."

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