The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 25 July 2013

Mystery Rise In Britain's Death Rate.

After three years of austerity in which the poor, disabled, unemployed and elderly have seen their disposable income shrink disastrously there has been a 5% rise in Britain's death rate. In actual figures this represents 23,000 unexpected deaths mainly amongst the elderly poor. What in any third world country would be regarded as genocide is, in Britain, simply described as "mysterious." How could this be? We asked a government spokesman for the Coalition's view; "Well first of all let's get it straight - this has absolutely nothing to do with either austerity or the reform of the NHS. It's a well known fact that austerity prompts people to become far more productive - especially those over 85 years of age. At the same time the reform of the NHS which has led to a cut in the number of nurses, hospitals being forced into bankruptcy, A&E departments being overrun because sick people can't find a doctor with radar and privatisation by stealth has absolutely nothing to do with the rise in the death rate. If you don't believe me just ask Iain Duncan Smith who's beliefs are far more powerful than something as inconsequential as facts. I suspect that many of these people have committed suicide simply to make us look bad. We also believe that some have feigned death to avoid work and claim death benefits. In any event we know for certain that the rise in death rate over the last 18 months is all the fault of the Labour party. Don't forget we're all in this together, though for the poor this often means in it up to the depth of six feet."

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