The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

Paddy Ashdown Has A Laugh.

Paddy Ashdown premiered his new role as the LibDem's comedy relief today, though he failed to wear the traditional red nose, as he advised his party to prepare for a return to government. "We have a taste of the rewards available to those prepared to tell any lie for votes," he told the LibDem Conference, "and we want more. More power, more money, more privileges and more opportunities to screw ordinary people while we laugh at their stupidity. You can't change a country overnight. You can't deliver on the liberal promise in just one government. It takes time or, as I like to put it, never. We must build a stronger economy in a fairer society, enabling everyone to get on in life, especially our new best friends - the Tories. Only when we have delivered the sort of society in which every millionaire can succeed against all the odds to make even more money and poverty is erradicated by killing off all the poor will we have an equal society." He then went on to tackle the sex scandals that have rocked the party of late. Allegations of inappropriate behaviour towards women, he said, would be "investigated thoroughly and independently and then completely ignored while perverting the course of justice will, from now on, be confined to the floor of the House of Commons."

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