The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 10 March 2013

G4S Efficiently Kill NHS Patient.

G4S, the company famous for earning millions after failing to provide security at London's Olympic Games, have finally succeeding in killing a patient in one of their ambulances. The company, whose humerous tag line is "Securing Your World", failed to secure the wheelchair of a double amputee and then killed him when the wheelchair tipped over. We asked a Tory party spokesman for their reaction to the news; "G4S have an outstanding record in delivering a very efficient, if also completely nonexistant and very expensive, service to the public. We don't regard this unfortunate accident as indicative that a privatised ambulance service will be an unmitigated disaster. Indeed we believe that killing patients during the ambulance journey to hospital will cut down waiting times and free up health staff for more important things such as book-keeping and list ticking. Useless sick people, especially crippled ones, should be grateful for our new streamlined euthenasia programme delivered free at the point of need by such an efficient private company. Killing people within a nationalised service has always been difficult, what with adverse publicity linking the government with such deaths, and we mean to prevent attracting such blame in the future. G4S have kindly offered to take the flak for a derisory £10 billion a year or so, which is a great deal for the tax payer and even better for the Tory party."

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