The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 6 March 2013

It's Not Easy Being A Tory.

Life as a Tory has never been easy. You have to be prepared to be so nasty that real human beings can't stand to be in the same room as you. Most Tories can cope with that because the rewards - a chance to be as nasty and vicious as you like, scrounging from the public purse and the overwheening sense of entitlement - are so, well, rewarding. But what makes life almost unbearable as a Tory is that you also have to be completely incompetent. Not the simple bumbling incompetence that marks out the moron, but the truly mind-numbing and totally brainless incompetence that marks out the true Tory. This week has seen some outstanding examples of classic Tory incompetence. Ian Duncan Smith has finally discovered that his nasty little scheme to make benefits unavailable to those who actually need them cannot be implimented because the science fiction IT programmes he hoped could be developed are sadly impossible. Worse yet he has now found out that his cherished "bedroom tax" is so vicious that it can't even pass muster by the legal profession - people who regularly run laboratory mazes on the basis that there are some things that even rats won't do. David Cameron, meanwhile, has discovered that food banks, unlike many Tory policy wheezes, are not so easy to hide from the public, while his plan to flog off the NHS while nobody was looking has been spotted after all. Then, to add insult to injury, Tory opposition to capping banker's bonuses has been scuppered by EU leaders who do have some idea what the word "fair" actually means. Fortunately for the rest of us the Tories are now busily engaged in the pastime that eclipses even their lust for damaging the country - stabbing each other in the back. Cameron's days seem to be numbered, happily so are those of the Tory party in general.

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