The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 9 September 2011

Homelessness Grows by 17% To "An Historic Low."

Homelessness grew by 17% over the last year new figures reveal. "The government is very proud of its record," a spokesperson from the Ministry of Misleading Statistics commented, "and that homlessness has grown to an all time historic low." When challenged to defend this seemingly nonsensical statement the spokesperson replied; "It's quantum in nature. Apparently two entirely different figures can occupy the same statistical point on a graph at the same time. Thus a figure can both grow and be lower than ever before. Of course such mathematical descriptions of the universe are lost on people who's houses have been repossessed or who have just been evicted from their rented accomodation, but they have to admire the elegance of the equations involved. The same mathematics is used to arrive at unemployment figures which, despite the number of people being thrown out of work, continue to shrink. It's nothing short of a miracle." A leading LibDem member of the cabinet commented; "Let's face it, if we can support Tory policies without even blushing then anything is possible."

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