The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday 12 September 2011

Lack Of Action Over Banks Meets With Universal Approval.

George Osbourne's decision to do nothing about the banks until 2019 has been meet by a groundswell of support from across the political divide. "This is the most profound shake-up of the banking system since the last time we did nothing about it," an unidentified senior Labour MP told us after the Chancellor's speech. "If we can now galvanise the rest of the world into doing practically nothing then I think we can safely ignore the possibility of any future banking crisis until it happens." "This is why the coalition was formed," a leading LibDem added. "Without it there would be an ever-present danger that someone might take positive action and really upset the banks. Now we can breath a sigh of relief knowing that's unlikely to happen." A Tory spokesman told our reporter; "It makes you proud to be British. This is the spirit that won us such famous victories as the Somme, Dunkirk and Singapore and has made the Empire the resounding success it is today. Having tackled the banks I now firmly believe we can lay the foundations for a prosperous future - at least for some of us. I challenge the Trade Unions, who were responsible for the economic crisis in the first place, to disband immediately and remove themselves as a roadblock on the road to wealth and success."

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