The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday 22 September 2011

It's Official - The Recovery Is Over.

Figures released today from Europe show that the private sector actually shrank this year by 2% throwing the world back into reccesion and the Tory Party into scrabbling around for a way to spin this unfortunate fact out of existence. As the IMF met in Washington and Christine Lagarde tried to blame democracy for the lack of international action, bankerss were seen to lurk around the back of the hall, trying to look innocent and muttering "nothing to do with me guv." The recent recovery, in the meantime, has now been entered into the Guiness Book of Records as the shortest and most unnoticed in history. George Osborne, rumoured to still be Chancellor of the Exchequer, issued a statement in a desperate attempt to maintain his own state of denial and keep his fellow countrymen in the dark; "This simply goes to prove that the world has failed to take our lead and commit economic suicide at the pace that is demanded. You cannot spend your way out of bankruptcy but it is still possible to cut our way there if we try really hard. Everyone knows that the previous Labour government is solely responsible for the world recession while the international banking community has been scapegoated by unscrupulous socialists who's only goal is the evil of full employment. Unless we throw everyone out of work immediately or at least force wages down to starvation level, we cannot save rich people from the consequencies of their own greed."

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