Tories Succeed In Increasing Homelessness.

Homelessness has soared in Britain since the Tories seized power 18 months ago and is increasing at the staggering rate of 400 per day. Many of those made homeless by the new "caring" Tory party are vulnerable teenagers unable to get jobs and denied enough in benefits to maintain themselves. We asked David Cameron, author of this shameful policy, for his reaction; "I don't give a damn. These people probably don't vote Tory so are of no interest to me at all. To be honest those working people stupid enough to vote for my party don't ineterest me much either - except in making sure they continue to believe the crap we're handing them. I would say that an increase of 400 per day is a bit disappointing - Ian Duncan Smith promised me at least 600 a day by now. Still it's a start. Michael Gove is doing sterling work to make sure that the young are instilled with the belief that the recession is the fault of everyone except us and our mates in the city so we should be all right. I'm now toying with the idea of making Jeremy Clarkson a special advisor on industrial relations and ignoring the poor."

Homelessness Grows by 17% To "An Historic Low."

Homelessness grew by 17% over the last year new figures reveal. "The government is very proud of its record," a spokesperson from the Ministry of Misleading Statistics commented, "and that homlessness has grown to an all time historic low." When challenged to defend this seemingly nonsensical statement the spokesperson replied; "It's quantum in nature. Apparently two entirely different figures can occupy the same statistical point on a graph at the same time. Thus a figure can both grow and be lower than ever before. Of course such mathematical descriptions of the universe are lost on people who's houses have been repossessed or who have just been evicted from their rented accomodation, but they have to admire the elegance of the equations involved. The same mathematics is used to arrive at unemployment figures which, despite the number of people being thrown out of work, continue to shrink. It's nothing short of a miracle." A leading LibDem member of the cabinet commented; "Let's face it, if we can support Tory policies without even blushing then anything is possible."