The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday 13 December 2011

CERN Scientists Anounce Finding The Higgs Boson - Perhaps.


Excited Cern scientists called a press conference today to announce they may, or may not, have discovered the Higgs Boson or something else. We asked Dr. Higginbotham for his comments; "Its very exciting. We believe that we have discovered a hint that the Higgs boson might exist - either that or it doesn't and we've merely seen a glitch with our equipment. Either way this is an exciting day and we decided to call a press conference to share our findings, or lack of them, with the world. The Higgs boson, which is often called the "God Particle" by journalists who haven't got a clue what we're talking about, is a transmission mechanism that imparts to other partcles the property of mass. A good anology is to think of it terms of a celebrity walking across a room who is acosted by a stalker who wrestles him to the ground and prevents him from shooting across the universe at the speed of light - something like that anyway. The good news is that we now know where the particle isn't, or at least where we've failed to find it and that, therefore, it must be somewhere else - maybe. Whatever we have or haven't found, it was well worth all the effort and money we've expended, or not, whatever the case maybe."

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