The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday 16 October 2011

Does Adam Werritty Work For Ernst Blowfeldt?

The "News In Shorts" has managed to track down Adam Werritty to a top-secret underground base built into an extinct volcano in an unnamed tax haven. Flanked by bodyguards dressed in orange jump suits and stroking a white cat, Mr.Werritty's controller, believed to be Ernst Blowfeldt, looked surprised when we rang the doorbell. "You're not a Jehovah's Witnesse are you?" he asked our reporter. Having answered in the negative Mr.Blowfeldt showed our man to his lounge, tastfully decorated in early 1960's style. "Adam Werritty? Yes, he's one of my operatives," he told our reporter. "I'm afraid that taking over the world is not what it used to be and men with the calibre of Auric Goldfinger or Dr.No are increasingly difficult to find. Adam started out as a gofer - fetching coffee and that sort of thing - until he told me that he knew Dr.Fox personally. It was then that an evil plot to influence Tory Party policy was hatched in my mind. Adam speaks Farsi so I naturally gravitated to a plan involving overthrowing the Iranian government and replacing it with one headed by Sarah Palin. Unfortunately I soon discovered what a bunch of conmen, Walter Mitty's and downright morons the Tories actually are and I pulled the plug. I mean, how could someone like me work with people like that? Even international criminals have certain standards. I was particularly annoyed when I found out that scientists are now using Tories for laboratory experiments because there are things that even rats won't do. I can send for Adam if you like - he's cleaning the toilets at the moment."

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