The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 22 October 2011

Bankers Rescued From Themselves - Again.

In the wake of the high powered meeting in Europe to settle the debt crisis it has emerged that the banks are to get yet more billions of taxpayers euros. "We are confident this will do the trick," George Osborne, rumoured to be Britain's Chancellor of the Exchequer, told reporters. "We've now firmly established the principle of socialism for bankers and unfettered capitalism for everyone else. We fully expect that the next time the bankers go nuts and invest in some insane Ponzi scheme they'll now have enough taxpayers money to ride out any storm. If not we've also reached agreement that we'll simply squeeze taxpayers for even more money. As for the banks we've increased their confidence enough to prevent them biting their own tails and downgrading everyone's credit rating - including their own." Christine Lagarde, head of IMF because she's never attempted to rape anyone, was beside herself with joy; "Liquidity should no longer be a problem, especially after we've put every European taxpayer through the blender. The most important thing is that the banks will stop threatening to commit suicide if we don't do what they want. I've been very concerned that the best talent in banking would upstakes and move to Mars but that seems very unlikely now."

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