The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday 14 October 2011

Making Money No Longer Profitable.

British gas users are now providing gas companies with £125 per customer in contast to £15 per customer in June - a staggering profit increase of 800% and more. We asked a spokesperson from British Gas for their comments; "Ah well, you have to realise that making more money doesn't actually mean making more profit as such. What customers fail to understand that stuffing our own pockets with "bonuses" actually decreases our net profits by quite a large amount and, as I'm sure customers will be pleased to hear, also reduces our tax liability to pitiful amounts. It's also true that grabbing huge amounts of cash for ourselves is something that is completely beyond our control. Think of it as an Act of God - we do. The most important thing is competition in the market - competition amongst energy suppliers to steal as much money from our customers as possible." We asked the Government for the view from No.10; "It is regretable but entirely understandable given world conditions. Profiteering out of common people's inability to do anything about it is entirely natural and should be regarded in the same way as evolution - its a matter of the survival of the fittest. I mean, you don't see zebras complaining to the lions and expecting them to stop eating them do you? Now bugger off and do some grazing or something."

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