The News In Shorts

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Thursday, 27 October 2011

Cannon Cancellor Of St. Paul's Resigns.

The Cannon Chancellor of St.Paul's Cathedral, Dr. Giles Fraser pictured above, has resigned today because of his differences with the Cathedral authorities over the "Occupy" protestors. The organisers of the protest had nothing but warm words for Dr.Fraser who has demonstrated his genuine decency over the last two weeks of the protest. We asked the Cathedral authorities for their view on the matter; "Dr.Fraser is a decent man," a spokesperson from the Church of England told our reporter, "but we feel he might be a little too Christian for the modern Church. I'm absolutely positive that, if Jesus were alive today, he would agree with us. His throwing out the moneychangers from the Temple has long been seen as a great mistake since it cut off the early church from valuable income streams as well as the influence they could have had on the Roman state. I think that where Dr.Fraser went wrong was in regarding St.Paul's as a place of worship instead of a source of income. We in the modern Church of England have long seen ourselves as a branch of the heritage industry rather than anything else and all this nonsense about championing the poor and disenfranchised is a bit old hat. The most important thing is that tourists visiting the site should be given every opportunity to part themselves from their money in keeping with our long tradition of money-grubbing. This present protest has delayed plans for the cathedral to install a cashpoint machine in the gift shop and that is intolerable." We asked the spokesperson about donations from the financial industry for the recent £40 million restoration. "Well, there's another thing. These protestors have suggested we shouldn't have accepted money from such sources because of their involvment in wars and whatnot. The point is that these wars have all been fought in countries that don't have the Church of England and, therefore, are of no concern to us."

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