Tories Look Backwards To The Future.

The Tories have today given their verdict on Britain's railways. Have they found that the management of the private industries who took over the railways are greedy and selfish? That they pay themselves far too much for management techniques that hark back to the 19th century? Not a bit of it. The railways, they tell us, are so bad because the ordinary people who man it are paid too much and don't work long enough hours. They have come to pretty much the same conclusions about youth unemployment. Is it because of Britain's economic decline? Is it because our education system has been destroyed by political interference? Is it because this government has all but dedicated itself to creating as much unemployment as possibe? Of course not - it's because young people are paid too much and their answer is to freeze the minimum wage for youngsters under 20. Its the same familiar and weary story when it comes to defence and Britain's role in the world. The Tories have all but stripped Britain of any real defence capability and yet, at the same time, have clung to Trident like a child clinging to its mother's skirts. Why? Because Cameron and his cabinet of 19th century throw-backs have concluded that Trident, which cannot be deployed without American permission, offers them the only thing they really want - the ability to swagger about the world pretending we are still a world-class power. We don't have Trident because of a threat from Russia, China, Iran or Pakistan - we have it because of the threat to our prestige by the French. This government is not about releasing the abilities and creativity of its people. Far from finding ways to do this they have nakedly sought to curtail such a thing through reducing educational opportunity, lowering wages and increasing unemployment. Their only concern is the persuit of power and prestige for a narrow "upper" class, membership of which is dependant not on ability or creatvity, but on the blunt measure of wealth. For a Tory the amount of money someone has tells them everything they need to know about an individual. It is proof of virtue for them, ignoring, of course, that all too often it simply meaures an individual's greed and selfishness.

Cameron Defends The Evils Of Toryism.

David Cameron, the world's most famous part-time human being, is to defend the Tory record in government in an attempt to end its reputation as the "nasty party." "We are a caring party and see ourselves as a loving father-like figure to the nation," he told our reporter in all seriousness. "But sometimes even the most loving father has no choice but to beat his children to death for being naughty. We want to create a fairer country in which our children will be safe from debt, in which our old people can live a life of dignity and in which health care is affordable. In order to do this, of course, we are going to have make sure that your children are pauperised, your old age pensioners live in squalor and you can't afford healthcare. That's only fair after all. The way forward is privatisation which has shown in the case of transport, the energy industry and housing that it can deliver less efficiency, worse services and higher costs while generating huge profits for a few greedy individuals who can then avoid paying tax. We are not nasty - selfish, greedy and two-faced, yes, but not nasty."

Tories Have Another Good Day Torturing The Electorate.

David Cameron has had another good day inflicting as much damage on ordinary people as possible. He has pushed ahead with an NHS Reform Bill that has been specifically designed to charge ordinary people for the healthcare they've already paid for and has wielded the "financial privilege" scam to ram through parliament his assault on the poor, the disabled and dying. Pleased with such a good days work he was cheered to learn that his government has also managed to shovel £7.2 million into the hands of fatcat "consultants" to the Ministry of Defence while laying off thousands of soldiers. "It's good to be a Tory at the moment," he told our reporter. "You get to be as nasty as you like while hiding behind a bankrupt ideology that most of the thicko electorate never understood in the first place and fill your own pockets with as much cash as you can get your hands on. Thank God for the banking crisis which handed us the perfect alibi for pauperising most people and increasing unemployment to whip them into line. It's also handed us a golden opportunity to finally get rid of the NHS and replace it with a profit-making organisation dedicated to giving the Tory party "donations" for clearing the way for healthcare vultures. And no election for another three years, courtesy of Nick Clegg! Marvelous!"

Tory Rank And File Think Party Is Not Evil Enough.

Much of the Tory rank and file are angry that David Cameron and his bunch of cronies are not taking advantage of the electorate's complete stupidity and are failing to be as evil as they could be. We asked a leading Tory businessman, pictured above, for his opinion; "David Cameron has a chance here to really put the boot into the working-class scum in this country but seems reluctant to do so. Taking money from disabled children was a good start but we have yet to see them starving in the streets. Nor have the unemployed been hounded anywhere near enough to chase non-existant and badly paid jobs so that people like me can get our hands on even more cash. Worse yet he has utterly failed to champion the bankers, whose brilliance and economic common sense have been an outstanding success over the last 30 years. He should reinstate Fred Goodwin's knighthood for a start off - I think he's been punished enough after getting only a measly £12 million for his old age. I must say, however, that the government's handling of the public finances has been outstanding with the economy nearer to its last gasp than it has been in many years. The problem seems to be that he's too centarist -chasing votes when he doesn't need to ans listening to the electorate who are of no account whatsoever. He's got most people completely blindsided and should now press home the advantage to pauperise the entire country while he has the chance. As to Europe, he should now build on his success after using the veto and isolate us completely from the only markets we have left. What he needs to do is ditch the LibDems, call an early election and think up a whole new raft of promises he doesn't intend to keep while failing to mention the nasty things we in the party want doing. Personally I won't be happy until I have stuffed working class child as a footstool."

Cameron Suffers From Toryettes Syndrome.

It was revealed yesterday that David Cameron, the world's first part-time Prime Minister, suffers from Toryettes Syndrome. Sufferers, who are uniquely confined to supporters of the Tory party, display symptons such as a congenital ability to tell the truth or empathise with other human beings and nervous tics such as knee-jerk reactions. We asked a leading expert on the condition for his reaction; "I'm not surprised. You can't actually become leader of the Tory party without suffering from this disability. Other famous sufferers include the entire cabinet and there are strong signs that the LibDems have now developed the same disease. We have recently discovered a new sympton of the syndrome - an extreme alergic reaction to the NHS. My colleagues have been searching for a cure but I'm afraid the syndrome is untreatable and I've now come to the conclusion that sufferers really are selfish gits with no regard for common decency."

David Cameron Pins His Hopes On The Olympics And The Queen.

David Cameron has given a New Year speech aimed at lifting the country's spirit as we face 2012 in the sure and certain knowledge that it will far worse than 2011. "This will be the year that the world sees Britain," he told the nation, "and concludes that we're buggered. The opening ceremony of the Olympic Games is our chance to ignore reality and pretend that everything will be all right. The Queen's Diamiond Jubilee is a further chance to divert attention from our disastrous economic policies and total lack of concern for ordinary people. I know that people are worried about what the new year might bring - they should be - but I can assure people that the Tory party will shoulder any burden and face any foe in order to protect our mates in the banking industry. We intend to transform the nation's infrastructure and make it completely unaffordable for most people while, at the same time, widening the gap between rich and poor. All too often public sector workers find they cannot do their jobs because of red tape and we will do our best to eradicate the jobs in question. Stupidity. Ignorance. Inequality. Selfishness. Obedience. These are the things that have made Britain great and the Tory party even greater. We must focus on what Britain does best - being robbed by people like me without complaining."

Poor Are Taxed More But Cameron Likes "Eastenders."

As official figures from the Office of Budget Responsibility demonstrate quite clearly that taxation is falling unequally on the poor, the "Telegraph" carries the joyous news that David Cameron prefers "Eastenders" to "The Archers." We asked David Cameron, shown above signalling his support for crucifying the poor, for his comments; "Its not actually true that taxation of the poor has risen by 3% while taxation for corporations has fallen by 9% despite the figures which show quite conclusively that I'm lying. It's all a matter of what you regard to be the truth. For me any fantasy I want you to believe is the truth, whereas hard concrete facts, if they're not convenient, are not true. Thus taxing the poor has no effect on demand and taxing the rich actually returns less money. As I've indicated to the "Telegraph," I'm just an ordinary bloke who likes Eastenders who just happens, through no fault of my own, to be a millionaire. I'm just like you - albeit in a Saville Row suit. We're all in this together - me floating a foot above and you up to your neck. Personally I feel sorry for me, burdened as I am with the responsibility for screwing everyone else and having to protect my wealth by spending yours. I'd like to take the opportunity to pledge that every family in the country will receive a turkey for the Christmas after the next election - honest."

Cameron Throws A Wobbly.

David Cameron, the world's first part-time Prime Minister, has thrown his toys out of the pram over an "independent" enquiry into party funding. The enquiry has concluded that there should be a cap on party donations of £10,000 from individuals but that the Labour party should continue to be funded by the Unions. David Cameron immediately got someone else, Lord Andrew Feldman of Elstree, to voice his objections. "We were hoping to cut the legs off the Labour party," the Lord complained to our reporter, "now we find that these gits are going to stop tax-dodging millionaires from bribing us. It's not fair." We asked an unnamed member of the enquiry for his views; "The problem is that Cameron couldn't pack the enquiry with rabid Tories. It's independent - that's why its called an independent enquiry."

Women Hate Tories Too.

In a personal shock to David Cameron a new poll has shown that women are not as stupid as he was hoping. "I don't understand it," the part-time Prime Minister told our political editor. "I've been as condescending as I can, telling them repeatedly to "calm down dear" but they haven't responded as they should. I know that, as women, they don't have much understanding of politics and tend to become hysterical over nothing but that's no excuse is it? I keep telling them that we are a new compassionate Troy Party but, for some reason I can't fathom, they don't seem to believe me. I've asked George Osborne to look into it because he was always better with the girlies than I was - but he doesn't understand it either. We've both been getting letters from constituents of the female species whittering on about "the cost of living" and child care costs. My little wife has no problem balancing busy coffee mornings with her children's needs and all that only costs £500 per week, so what's the problem?"

Cameron Facing Utter Failure.

After nine months in power David Cameron's coalition government is facing complete failure. Since he became Prime Minister and appointed an economic ignoramus as Chancellor the economy has ground to a halt, inflation is steadily climbing, unemployment has grown and there are now 20,000 less businesses in the country than there was. Meanwhile his much vaunted NHS reform looks likely to be stalled in the House of Lords and therefore lost and his Minister of Defence, Liam Fox, is mired in a scandal that might well see him resign. David Cameron's plan was quite simple - flog as many national assets as he could get his hands on to insulate the wealthy from the effects of the recession while, at the same time, protecting them from paying higher taxes or even any tax at all. This was to be achieved by savagely cutting spending especially on benefits, hiking taxes for the less wealthy and, effectively, making the poor and disadvantaged foot the bill. This was his idea of "us all being in this together." At the Tory conference he tried to invoke the famous British "bulldog spirit" and he may well have succeeded. But he's no Winston Churchill - he's more like Neville Chamberlain. Let's see if he recognises this; "You have spent too much time in this place for all the good you have done. In the name of God go."