George Osborne "Shocked" That He And His Mates Don't Pay Tax.

George Osborne is reported to be in deep shock today after he discovered that he and his rich pals pay hardly any tax. "I was amazed to find that we have been using three main tax loopholes that I already knew all about," he told our reporter. "No wonder the 50p tax returned hardly any money at all and no wonder that the 45p threshold is doing no better. I think the best way forward is for me to announce a crackdown on tax dodging, point out that I for one am doing nothing illegal, wring my hands and then reduce the upper rate of tax again. Its all very perplexing but I am determined that, by the time I've reduced taxes to wealthy people to zero, that the loopholes will have been closed. The only reason I've done nothing about this situation is that I'm afraid that rich people will stop giving to charity if I do. I am particularly worried about the "Charity Begins At Home" organization that offers alibis to distressed wealthy people and offers them really good excuses for being utterly selfish. In the meantime, while I'm waiting for me to do something, I shall continue to hound people on unemployment and dsiablement benefits on the basis thay they are the real villains. Do you have any idea how many jobless, homeless and legless people don't pay tax either?"

George Osborne Rewards Tax Dodgers.

The deal hammered about between Britain and Switzerland over tax avoidance will return less money than the government claims and, with the loopholes left in it, might actually cost more than is collected. We asked George Osborne pictured above for his view; "I know, brilliant isn't it? Working out tax loopholes that wouldn't be immediately obvious was quite a challenge I can tell you. It's no good having a deal like this if any Tom, Dick or Harry can work out what you've been up to. In fact the loopholes are so obscure it should guarantee the future for such useful people as lawyers, accountants and finance advisors for many years. Since most of my friends and most MP's just so happen to be lawyers, accountants and financial advisors, this will prove very popular in the country - or at least in that part of the country that counts for anything. Its also a great relief to know that I can no longer be prosecuted for illiegally keeping funds in Switzerland without paying tax under present British rules. That's the brill thing about being in government - you can pass laws that protect yourself while, at the same time, screwing everyone else."