The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 24 April 2012

Tories Begin Social Cleansing Of London

Newham Council has begun the expulsion of 500 families from London, planning to send them into exile in the north of England. They have approached Stoke on Trent to take the people who are not wanted in London where, as the Council said in a letter to Stoke Council, "the onset of the Olympic Games and the buoyant young professionals market," makes it imperative for them to free up council housing. In its defence Newham Council issued a statement in which it claimed that "We are doing everything we can to ensure we have good quality, affordable housing which is fairly distributed." We asked a spokesperson from the Council to explain what exactly that means; "We want to fairly distribute affordable housing to wealthy people who can actually afford the sky-high rents we want to charge in order to cash in on the Olympics and young overpaid professionals who we can rob with impunity." Meanwhile Grant Shapps, Minister of State for Social Cleansing pictured above advertising himself to lobbyists, has denied that the government wants to socially cleanse London. "It's nothing to do with us Guv," he told our reporter. "All we did was cap housing benefit. It is very unfortunate that a bunch of unwashed and unwanted poor people happen to live in a place where a sporting event offers the opportunity to make oodles of money if you happen to own so much as a dog kennel. Anyway the North offers poor people a natural habitat where they can persue their lives of quiet desperation without bothering their betters."

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