The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 2 April 2012

Boris Meets Pollution Targets By Cheating.

Boris Johnson, pictured above with his father, has come up with a typical Tory answer to a problem - he's lied about it. London has been trying to meet its air pollution targets since 2005 and has consistently failed to do so. Now, in 2012 with the Olympics just a few weeks away, Boris has ordered "dust suppressants" to be sprayed around immediately adjacent to the monitoring stations. We asked Boris for a comment; "Air pollution has been a problem in London since Roman times and has become worse with the invention of the horseless carriage. My plan to turn the city into a bicycle-only zone has been rejected by people with a real education so I've been forced into the only effective Tory method of tackling any problem - hide the facts and lie through my teeth. This would have proven effective if it hadn't been for some eagle-eyed Commies spotting what I was up to. Still, the fine is only £300 million so I'm not worried - especially since I haven't got to pay it."

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