The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 5 April 2012

Cuts To Tax Credits As Tories Cheat Us Again.

The Tories were celebrating today as their plan to cheat us and reward themselves shifted into higher gear. Tax credits will be cut to hard-pressed families, raising a badly needed £750 million to help fund the £30 billion in tax cuts to the rich. "We have weighed the alternatives," George Osborne told our reporter, "and decided that fairness is whatever makes me and my mates richer. The principle that rich people are only encouraged to be more productive when they're given more money has to be balanced by the fact that poor people only become more productive when money is taken from them. We are all in this together and all have to do out bit - rich people by taking things easy while poor people suffer for the good of the nation. I've spoken to David Cameron and Ian Duncan Smith and they both assure me that Jesus approves of what I've done. I would like to point out that we have also lifted millions of lower paid people out of tax completely. Of course the fact that many people who would have benefitted from this no longer do so because they're unemployed is neither here nor there - its the thought that counts. The good news is that the sale of the NHS is going well and we are fully confident that there will soon be fewer poor people to worry about. The bad news is that I'm putting up the price of burial plots and privatising municipal cemetaries."

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