The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Tories Cure Obesity.

The Tories are celebrating one policy of their's that is working - ending the scourge of obesity in Britain. George Osborne, pictured above looking at working-class Tory voters, is said to be particularly pleased; "This is good news for the country, especially since it hasn't cost rich people a penny," he told our reporter. "This has been achieved without the need of the NHS," Andrew Lansley added, while Ian Duncan Smith concluded that "This is a complete vindication of our crackdown on benefit scroungers." Teachers, however, are less impressed reporting that some pupils are now having to scavange for leftovers at school while others are regularly seeing pupils with signs of malnutrition. Meanwhile Camila Batmanghelidjh, the charity boss, reports that she has seen "children who are so malnourished they lose teeth." Her charity, Kids Company is now feeding 2,000 British children, a figure which is increasing at the rate of 70 per week. "Its good to see that we've finally returned to Victorian values," Eric Pickles told us over a plate of doughnuts.

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