The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 12 November 2012

The Secret Of How To Win The Lottery.

In the wake of the Lord McAlpine debacle the BBC has decided to entertain its viewers by sharing the secret of how to win the lottery. All you have to do is to be completely useless at your job like George Entwistle, resign in a blaze of publicity and then pick up a cheque for £450,000. We asked a BBC spokesman about this astounding new gambling sensation; "The banks led the way with Fred the Shred and other such useless executives who, having crashed the entire world economy, were then awarded huge payouts so they can enjoy their retirement at everyone else's expense. Of course politicians have been doing it for years, but it wasn't until recently, when they were exposed as being totally without any redeeming qualities, that executives in the privatised utility companies and such like jumped on the bandwagon and really got the ball rolling. Of course this new form of the lottery is only for a select few. Ordinary people who work hard all their lives and are terrified into being efficient, punctual and reliable don't qualify. Being utterly uselss for most ordinary workers is only likely to be rewarded with a P45 and, in any case, they have pitiably small pensions to look forward to. With the much anticipated privatisation of the NHS we are looking forward to an even greater expansion of the new lottery for the already wealthy. As an added bonus we hope that useless NHS executives will kill off a huge swathe of ordinary people, saving us the cost of their state pensioners and providing even greater room for tax cuts for the rich. It's a win/win situation as far as we can see."

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