The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 27 November 2012

Osborne Discovers "Dark" Growth.

Tories are today celebrating yet another astounding discovery made by George Osborne, the genius behind Quantum Economics. We aked a leading Oxford economist for an explanation; "The confirmation that the British economy did, despite all predictions to the contrary, grow by an outstanding 1% in the previous quarter has led to an exciting new concept in Quantum Economics that we call "dark growth." This cannot be seen or even detected by conventional means, but we know it exists because of the effect it has on the poll ratings of the Tory party. Essentially what George Osborne has done is invent a time machine which he has then used to go back in time and change the growth figures for previous quarters. By reducing the growth figures in the past he has been able to demonstrate that growth in the last quarter was actually positive after all. I have a simple illustration to aid understanding for those who are not as sophisticated as George Osborne or myself. Let's imagine that in December your bank balance stood at £1,000. When you check in March to see how much money you've made in the intervening three months you find that it's still at £1,000. In other words you've made nothing. Now imagine the effect if you are able to turn back the clock and take out £200 from your account in December so that it shows a balance of £800. Now, in March, with a bank balance of £1,000 you've suddenly made £200! That is "dark growth."

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