How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.
Thursday, 22 November 2012
Church Of England: "God Is Still An English Man."
In a parallel universe, far, far away, a group of people who call themselves "The Synod of the Church of England" have got together to tell God what He thinks. The question that they have been considering is "Did God create Man and was she only joking?" Having counted the votes and finding that two-thirds of those in the Synod agree with the statement, the opposition to it declared victory. "We have spoken to our Bronze Age Invisible Friend in the Sky and He told us that we were right all along," a CofE spokesman told our reporter. "The good news is that God has decided to continue being a man and, what's more, continue to be English. We had worried that He might turn American or even African and declare Himself to be a black woman but, in the event, that didn't happen. Once again God has decided to let us tell him what He actually thinks which, as a close reading of the Gospels demonstrates quite conclusively, is what Jesus said we should do." Meanwhile, those women in the Synod who wanted to dress up like the men and also tell God what He thinks, issued a statement; "The Synod has spoken and in keeping with the democratic structure and nature of it, we will ask the question again and again until we get the answer we want. I for one am determined that female prists should be allowed to dress up in silly hats just like the men and get a pay rise for discussing Bronze Age superstitions as if they mean something. Its only fair and I firmly believe that God is actually a blonde who looks surprisingly like Margaret Thatcher."