The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 22 November 2012

Osbornes Deficit Reduction Continues To Increase.

As the latest figures show that the British economy continues to be sucked down a Tory black hole, George Osborne was delighted with the latest figures that show his deficit reduction plan is on track. "We have slashed the deficit by 25% in the last two years," he proudly claims, "even though it continues to get bigger and bigger. This is due entirely to my new quantum economics which states that you can never know where a Tory is and at what he's talking about at the same time. Fortunately it also means that money can be in two places at the same time while the word "reduction" becomes entirely relativistic." We asked an Oxford University Quantum Economics professor for his view; "As the deficit continues to shrink under the remorseless cuts that cost more and more money, this month's figures, like every month's figures for the last two years, only appear to be bad. This time we've found that a sudden and unexplained slump in tax receipts is to blame for what appears to be yet another increase in the country's debts. This is mere illusion since it is a well known fact that giving rich people a tax cut and ignoring tax avoidance by big corporations increases revenue, while unemployment and a complete lack of demand in the economy have no effect at all. Basically this all becomes clear once you realise that truth in the universe has a right-hand spin."

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