The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 18 November 2012

Tories Choose "Alpha Male" As Campaign Manager.

The man pictured above is an Australian named Lynton Crosby and he is, according to Tim Montgomerie the editor of political website ConservativeHome, a Tory party posterboy, the "alpha male that Team Cameron has been missing." The reason for this fulsome praise is that Mr.Crosby was Boris Johnson's campaign manager during the mayoral election in London. Renowned for inserting "subliminal messages" into his campaign strategy over things such as law and order and immigration, it is fascinating to speculate on what his advice to David Cameron might be; "Rule Number One: Change hairstyle and colour in order to more closely resemble a Morlock. Rule Number Two: Mumble incoherently and engagingly when any serious subject is broached. Rule Number Three: All Tory candidates must train to dangle comically when stranded on a zip wire. Rule Number Four: All speeches should be irrelevant rambling diatribes with no discernable facts that can be used against the party by the opposition. Rule Number Five: Back stabbing should only be understaken in the dark and denied immediately if anyone else notices. Rule Number Six: All lies should be delivered with a wry and sheepish grin." However the choice of Mr Crosby has not been greeted with universal praise in the Tory party. Lord Ashcroft has warned that his appointment could be "a recipe for... conflict and confusion." Confusion, of course, is something that Lord Ashcroft knows quite a lot about since he persists in describing himself as an "historian" on the basis of a Higher National Diploma in Business studies from the Mid-Essex Technical College and seems to have no idea what taxes actually are.

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