How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.
Wednesday, 5 December 2012
Osborne Condems Britain To a Slow Death.
George Osborne wandered into Parliament today whistling his favourite song from "Willie Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" - "Come with me and you'll be in a world of pure imagination." Finding the despatch box completely deserted because no other Minister could face admitting the truth, he decided it might be a good day to die and bravely stood to give his considered opinion on the state of the economy. "It's not good," he told us. "In fact its much worse than I thought only yesterday. Its going to get even worse soon and for much longer than I promised. Still, it's too late to do anything about it now. The good news is that I'm not going to put 3p on a litre of petrol. That's all I can say really. Oh, except for were all in this together though, of course, I'm getting richer and you're not. What else? Oh, I nearly forgot - the bankers think I'm wonderful and would lend us money at a very low rate if I could think of a good reason to borrow any and if they had any to spare." Galvanised by such a stirring speech the Tory party rallied around the Chancellor and beamed with pleasure as it was revealed that the undeserving poor would foot the bill for maintaining the lifestyles on the undeserving rich. "The Chancellor's speech has laid the foundation for future growth," a delighted Tory backbencher told our reporter. "It's a pity, of course, that the growth will be confined to the national debt, low paid work, unemployment and soup kitchens but you can't expect miracles." No, but a bit of common sense would have been nice.