Andy Coulson; Scumbag But He's Our Scumbag.

Andy Coulson was found to be not guilty today of being underhand concerning his severance payments from News International by a bunch of people appointed to find rich people "not guilty." "He might be an unprincipled scumbag," they commented, "but his association with the Tory party was positively saintly. And don't forget everyone, except rioters, deserves a second chance." Asked for his opinion David Cameron, caught shopping for a new suitcase, replied "Who? Never heard of him. Is he related to the Shropshire Coulsons?"

Minister at the Foreign Office is Stupid

In a shock revelation today a senior Minister with the Foreign Office has been found to be stupid after waving a "confidential" memo at reporters outside No.10. "These things happen," William Hague said afterwards. "If we sacked every minister who was thick and totally incapable of understanding what "confidential" means we'd have nobody left in government would we." Our reporter, faced with this remorseless logic, had to agree.

Eric Pickles Now in Touch With Public Mood.

In a determined effort to demonstrate that he's in touch with the public mood, Eric pickles has thrown his not inconsiderable weight behind the campaign to save Britain's bowling greens. "I've decided to grasp this thorny issue of national importance in order to prove, once and for all, that the Tory party is a party of the people," he told reporters. "All too often, as I've toured the country in my capacity as Minister for Local Mismanagement, I've noted the parlous state of our bowling greens and the distress this causes local people. It's time to fight back and put this important policy at the centre of our political agenda." A straw poll taken in the centre of Liverpool was inconclusive as 90% of those asked made rude gestures and threatened to kill the polster.