The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday 31 August 2011

Tories Perform Miracles.

In an annoucement today the Tories have shown that they now possess the atributes of Jesus Christ. With the stroke of the pen they have cured hundreds of thousands of people who have previously been regarded as permanently disabled. Wheelchair uses, it turns out, are actually mobile and, as such, are no longer disabled. It has been a stunning revelation and is on a par with finding that taxing rich people more actually returns less money and that taxing poor people has no effect on final demand. Stephen Hawking when interviewed by this reporter, said; "I am filled with sheer delight at the Tories grasp of quantum physics and their ability to manipulate reality in such an adroit manner. It is final proof, if any was needed, that my book, "A Short History of Time," has had the desired effect of drawing politicians attention to the wonderful world of the unbelievable. I'm so glad that I'm no longer designated as disabled that I plan to climb Mount Everest next week to celibrate." Andrew Lansley has warmly welcomed this development. "I intend to recategorise all hospital patients as fit and healthy next week and remove, once and for all, any need for the NHS." Meanwhile, Ian Duncan Smith has announced his intention to label the uemployed as "employmentally challenged" clearing the old register overnight. "There is no end to the possibilities," David Cameron told the BBC. "It really is the dawn of an exiting new world."

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