The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 25 February 2012

Slavery Not As Popular As Tories Hoped.

Tories were reeling today as it has become increasingly clear that slavery is not as popular in Britain as they had hoped. Companies, who had previously agreed that slavery was a good idea and wondered why no one had thought about it before, have been withdrawing from the scheme in droves as customers have made their feelings plain. Meanwhile Avanta, a major contractor in the "welfare to work" scam, has been forcing young unemployed people, many of them with degrees, to clean the houses of wealthy customers in Sussex. Claiming that "Our approach is to work closely with our customers to understand the type of job that they are looking for and create a personalised package of support that will enable them to get a job with long-term prospects," they were at a loss to explain why a student with a degree in Biotechnology was cleaning the managing director's house. Evidence has also been building that using "free labour" is actually causing a shortage of paid work as employers cash in. We asked Chris Grayling, Minister for Torturing the Unemployed, for his view; "There is nothing wrong with unpaid work as long as its Labour voting, working-class scum who are doing it. Where our problem has arisen, I think, is that we've inadvertantly included the children of Tory voters in the scheme and we'll have to do something about that. As for the Biotechnology graduate you mentioned, his problem is that he's foolishly believed that he can better himself when, in reality, he's still just a peasant and needs to understand that. We do have a shortage of skilled, well-educated workers in this country, but that's what foreigners are for - with the added bonus that they tend to come cheaper. And I would also like to take issue with this idea that the scheme is mandatory. It's not. It is entirely voluntary. The problem arises, I believe, when young people find out they've actually signed up for several weeks of polishing rich people's nicknacks for companies who donate to the Tory party, instead of real work experience. Of course we then have no choice but to shut them up by threatening to take their benefits off them for 26 weeks. We think that is only fair given the fact that they have signed a contract that is actually more binding than your average run-of-the-mill contract of employment."

No comments:

Post a Comment