The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Thursday, 23 February 2012

NHS Best In The World.

The British Medical Journal has issued a damning indictment of the Tory attempt to privatise the NHS and pointed out that it outperforms healthcare in almost every country in the world. The only area where they perform at a lower level is in clinical outcomes which is explained by the fact that, in other countries, patients only get clinical intervention if they can afford to pay for it and the profits thus generated guarantee better equipment and better outcomes. For the vast majority in these countries, however, clinical outcome is an irrelevance since they can't afford expensive interventions and often simply die. We asked Andrew Lansley for his reaction to these findings; "It simply proves what I've been saying. The NHS provides outstanding care to the peasants and it has to stop, while the potential profits for bloodsuckers like me are going begging. It's a goldmine and I'm determined to get my hands on it no matter what. Things will only improve when the peasants have to come to me and my mates cap in hand and beg for healthcare. Of course they won't get it because there's too many of them as it is. They breed like flies and clutter up the streets while embarassing governments by being unemployed because they're not needed. Of course, if we ever get into another major war that would be a different matter, but, until then, I'm looking forward to a good outbreak of TB and ricketts - that'll thin the buggers out."

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