The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 10 February 2012

Is This Lansley's Last Stand?

In a final desperate last stand the Tories have rallied around the flag hoisted by Simon Burns today at the BBC and formed a ragged square around the still living body of Andrew Lansley as he grips the tattered remains of his NHS reforms in his nerveless hand. Like Lord Chelmsford before him in Zululand David Cameron has declared there is no serious opposition in sight and has split his forces in hostile territory. At his side Nick Clegg has raised a telescope to his blind eye and declared, "Ships? I see no ships. Only hardships," while the rest of the cabinet try to keep their powder dry. Meanwhile the party has received its orders and is looking down the half a league of long dark valley towards the enemy guns and takes solace that there is nothing so glorious in British history as a pointless defeat or a Phyrric victory. The Labour party, unable to believe their eyes, shake their heads in pity and mutter "Donkey's led by other donkey's" while they crouch in their trenches, fix their bayonets, get the machine guns ready and offer terms for surrender. "I'm sorry," George Osborne replies, "but we don't have the facilities to take you all prisoner." "I am just going outside. I may be some time," Michael Gove gallantly tells his companions in the frozen tent while Ian Duncan Smith tells everyone "This ship cannot sink." If anyone can think of any other cliches or incidents of British stiff upper lipishness in the face of sure and certain defeat please leave your suggestions in the box marked "comments."

1 comment:

  1. Neville Chamberlain - "piece of paper" speech.