The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 24 February 2012

Ian Duncan Smith Re-Writes History.

Having sent out his minions to claim that his "welfare to work" programme is entirely voluntary, Ian Duncan Smith has had a busy week calling in all the letters he sent to jobcentres and welfare offices that made it clear that forcing the unemployed to work for nothing was mandatory. Having been caught telling bare-faced lies IDS has decided, in effect, to re-write history to get his despicable policies, and himself, off the hook. We asked IDS for an explaination; "Well obviously I couldn't admit that I was forcing people to work for nothing so I had no choice but to lie. Once I'd done that it was only a matter of time before someone dug out the letters and proved that I was lying. What to do? Simple, call in all the letters, change the wording and then stand around with my hands in my pockets whistling loudly and trying to look innocent. Unfortunately I forgot about the world wide web where earlier versions of my letters were not only freely available but also cached so they couldn't be changed. Now I had a real quandry and had to think fast. I asked David if he couldn't start a small war somewhere to divert attention but George Osborne vetoed that on the grounds that it would be too expensive. That's when I found out that a veto actually stops something from happening. Well, after David's use of the "veto" over Europe you could have knocked me down with a feather! My next idea was to start a country-wide epidemic of something really nasty, but Andrew Lansley vetoed that on the basis that it might upset his plans to privatise the NHS. So I had no choice. As of tomorrow the web will be banned in Britain and anyone found calling me a liar will be hung, drawn and quartered."

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