The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 15 February 2012

Osborne Sends His Regrets.

George Osborne has refused Nick Clegg's plea to raise the tax threshold for the poor, pleading a lack of resources as the economy continues to sink. "It's not my fault," he told our reporter. "It's all the fault of the last government/Greece/world economic conditions/cost of riots/snow in winter/drought in summer/royal weddings (please pick your favourite and insert in sentence). I would like to cut taxes to the peasants, honest I would, but I can't do that until just before the next election otherwise I'll have nothing to bribe the moronic electorate with. We're all in this together - even I'm suffering as I find it increasingly hard to dodge my tax liabilities, find the money from the public purse to fund my mortgage and provide fig trees for MP's dining room so I don't get too warm while eating my lunchtime caviar. You shoud feel sorry for me having to balance my part-time job as Chancellor while paying attention to my other, and more important, business interests. Being incredibly wealthy has never been so hard. Being poor is easy by comparison I can tell you."

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