The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 4 September 2011

The NHS.

After an exhausting listening exercise during which the Tories have struggled to appear to be listening to anyone but themselves, David Cameron is ready to turn the NHS over to private enterprise. "I know people are afraid that we are about to dismantle the NHS but nothing could be further from the truth. The NHS is very important to us since you can't sell something that has already ceased to exist. The public should have no fears that we'll destroy the NHS - we'll leave that to the bloodsuckers we sell it to. Nor should people fear that this will mark the end of free medical care in this country. We already have plans to recreate the good old fashioned workhouse infirmary where ordinary working people, even with normally routine complaints, can die without having to pay too much. As for really expensive treatments we can assure the public that we will set up a medical lottery that will guarantee that at least 50 people every year will still get this. Meanwhile everyone will be ble to take out medical insurance that, if not worth the paper its written on, will at least assuage the conscience of the filthy rich who don't want to pay tax anymore. All in all, we think our plans offer the best alibi we can come up with for what would otherwise be mistaken for a completely selfish exercise to save the rich money while the poor are left to die." Asked if this was merely a thinly disgusied ideological attack on the NHS Nick Clegg, leader of the former LibDems and David Cameron's tea boy, said; "Well yes, but don't for Christ's sake tell anyone else. Governing the peasants in this country is difficult enough without letting them know what is actually going on. I've already scored a major victory by persuading Michael Gove to drop an education policy he had no chance of sneaking through the House of Lords and I think the complete destruction of the NHS is a small price to pay in order to save my political skin." Meanwhile Ed Milliband has gone on record as saying; "The Labour Party will not sit still and just let this happen. We are already preparing a well-ordered retreat on this issue and promise that, once returned to power, we will pretend there's nothing we can do about it and be vigorous in our attempts to blame the Tories for political adavantage. Given the circumstances it is the very, very least we can do."

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