Ed Milliband Retraction.

For the second time this week one of our reporters has been found to have erroneous information. The Milliband brothers, it seems, were actually educated at a comprehensive school rather than at public school. That might explain why they are as badly educated as their Tory counterparts but is hardly an excuse for such a glaring error. "The News In Shorts" wishes to apologise to its readers and launch a campaign for the return of grammar schools before its too late.

Telegraph Reveals That Milliband Is Slightly More Useless Than Cameron.

In an article today the "Telegraph" has voiced the opinion, widely held by just about everyone else in the country, that Ed Milliband is even more useless than Cameron. "Its like watching a one-sided cricket match," the Telegraph reported. "You know, the sort of match where one side wins and the other loses. The problem with Ed Milliband is that he a public school boy with absolutely no idea about the real world, while David Cameron is a public school boy with absolutely no idea about the real world. We think that Cameron, unprincipled at the best of times, is simply a better politician than Milliband who suffers from not being his brother."

The NHS.

After an exhausting listening exercise during which the Tories have struggled to appear to be listening to anyone but themselves, David Cameron is ready to turn the NHS over to private enterprise. "I know people are afraid that we are about to dismantle the NHS but nothing could be further from the truth. The NHS is very important to us since you can't sell something that has already ceased to exist. The public should have no fears that we'll destroy the NHS - we'll leave that to the bloodsuckers we sell it to. Nor should people fear that this will mark the end of free medical care in this country. We already have plans to recreate the good old fashioned workhouse infirmary where ordinary working people, even with normally routine complaints, can die without having to pay too much. As for really expensive treatments we can assure the public that we will set up a medical lottery that will guarantee that at least 50 people every year will still get this. Meanwhile everyone will be ble to take out medical insurance that, if not worth the paper its written on, will at least assuage the conscience of the filthy rich who don't want to pay tax anymore. All in all, we think our plans offer the best alibi we can come up with for what would otherwise be mistaken for a completely selfish exercise to save the rich money while the poor are left to die." Asked if this was merely a thinly disgusied ideological attack on the NHS Nick Clegg, leader of the former LibDems and David Cameron's tea boy, said; "Well yes, but don't for Christ's sake tell anyone else. Governing the peasants in this country is difficult enough without letting them know what is actually going on. I've already scored a major victory by persuading Michael Gove to drop an education policy he had no chance of sneaking through the House of Lords and I think the complete destruction of the NHS is a small price to pay in order to save my political skin." Meanwhile Ed Milliband has gone on record as saying; "The Labour Party will not sit still and just let this happen. We are already preparing a well-ordered retreat on this issue and promise that, once returned to power, we will pretend there's nothing we can do about it and be vigorous in our attempts to blame the Tories for political adavantage. Given the circumstances it is the very, very least we can do."