The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 21 March 2012

The Budget - Super-Rich United 3,000,000,000 - All The Rest 0

George Osborne has today finally got rid of the 50p top rate of tax - a tax that both damaged Britain because it made rich people poorer and, at the same time, actually raised no money at all. Meanwhile, as quantum physicists wrestled with this seeming paradox, HMRC was readying itself to be overwhelmed by the super-rich queueing up to pay 45p in the pound. We asked one such super-rich businessman what he thought of the budget; "Reducing the top rate of tax to 45p means that I can't wait to pay my fair share of taxes and I intend to immediately drop all the clever ways I used to avoid paying 50p. Raising the stamp duty on houses worth more than £2 million has put a stop to my hobby of buying a new mansion every week, but even people like me can't have everything - can we?" Having given the super-rich a bonus of £3 billion (which according to George Osborne actually equals nothing), the Chancellor then raised taxes for pensioners which, by sheer coincidence, also came to £3 billion. We asked a pensioner for her view; "I'm so glad I voted Tory in the last election. That nice boy George Osborne has taken the money I need to pay my bills and given it to a few distressed rich people. I'm proud of him and proud that I can make my contribution to keeping rich people rich - its so nice to be useful and to be still wanted." The extra 3p on a litre of petrol was also greeted with cheers as this promised to reduce business profits, fuel inflation and throw even more people out of work. "This is a budget for ordinary people," the Chancellor told his cheering bankbenchers. "It's a pity all those ordinary people happen to live in China and India, but there you go." We also asked Nick Clegg for his view; "I'm sorry there's no one here to answer your questions at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep."

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