The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 25 March 2012

"Impressions Of Impropriety" Forces Yet Another Resignation.

The whole of Westminster is in shock today after the latest bribery scandal - not at the fact that it goes on, but at the fact that Peter Cruddas was so easily found out. Having resigned, in an eerie re-run of the Liam Fox scandal, on the basis of giving an "impression of impropriety" while shouting loudly that "no laws have been broken," Mr.Cruddas remains safe from prosecution while the Tories are collectively shoving their hands in their pockets, staring up at the sky and whistling as loudly as possible. We asked Mr.Cruddas for his view; "I'm very sorry that every word I said to the Sunday Times should have given the wrong impression. However, I would like to point out that, since the company the Times pretended to represent doesn't actually exist and couldn't therefore actually give me any money, no law was actually broken. I say this in the interests of fairness and in the interests of staying out of prison. I often promise things I can't deliver to various companies and assorted criminals and, of course, no money ever actually changes hands, while any influence these companies wield is purely coincidental. All in all this problem doesn't actually exist - it merely appears to exist because people like me continually give the wrong impression for no apparent reason. I hope that clears the matter up." We asked the Tory party for its comment; "Labour gets its money from evil communist unions bent on world domination you know. We, on the other hand, get no money whatsoever from anyone - especially we don't get money from lobbyists, Russian oligarchs, or anyone trying to bribe us. Nor do we allow comapnies to set policy. All the evil and stupid things we do are purely our own idea and it is mere coincidence that companies appear to benefit after giving us money that doesn't actually exist. In fact it has long been a complete mystery to us as to where our money comes from and, whatever we're being accused of, we have no idea what you are talking about."

No comments:

Post a Comment