The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Saturday, 10 March 2012

Danny Alexander Reassures The Nation.

Just as the nation was coming to the conclusion that the Tories lied to us all during the last general election and that the LibDems have sold us all down the river for ministerial cars, Danny Alexander had decided to reassure the country that this isn't so. While the Tories are rampaging throught the economy like barbarians sacking the Roman Empire, the LibDems, he tells us, are actually regrouping to launch a counter-attack. We asked the most well-known muppet in the Coalition government as to what he proposes; "As you know we did promise that we'd raise the tax band for the lowest paid to £10,000 a year. We haven't delivered on that but I now propose that we raise that to £12,000 a year on the basis that it's a far more impressive figure to not deliver. I've talked to George Osborne and he assures me that we will be able to do it before the beginning of the next geological epoch. However, we in the LibDem's are committed to acting much faster than that and propose to make the necessary changes before the next Ice Age. We have also proposed measures such as the "mansion tax" which hasn't a hope in hell of getting past the Tories but I think looks really good on our CV. Closing tax loopholes is our next priority. This, together with measures to lower the corporate tax burden to 2p in the pound, should sort out the problem of the super-rich once and for all. They can't be accused of dodging tax if they don't have to pay any tax at all can they? The LibDems want the nation to know that we can be trusted and I believe that a mixture of unachievable promises, evasions and downright lies will do the trick - again."

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