The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Ian Duncan Smith To Privatise Social Breakdown.

Ian Duncan Smith has come up with yet another wizard wheeze to divert money from ordinary people and into the hands of his rich mates. His scheme involves nothing less than privatising social breakdown by engaging private companies to "tackle its underlying causes." Having done as much as possible to accelerate social breakdown, he now proposes that private companies be used to "steer vulnerable people away from crime, drugs, unemployment truancy or family breakdown." Presumably he expects these companies to do this in much the same way that companies like A4e have tackled the causes of unemployment by making people work for nothing or accept training as shelf-stakers for Tesco. We asked IDS, winner of this year's "Most Evil Tory" award, for his comments; "£25bn is spent on the consequences of family breakdown and I intend to make sure that most of this lovely dosh ends up in the hands of my wealthy pals. Its a well-known fact amongst those rich people who agree with me that if you just give poor people money, the chances are you just feed the problem, such as drug addiction. If you give rich people the money, however, then the problems will miracalously disappear overnight. My proposed Early Intervention Board will oversee the process by inventing fictional means of measuring success and then handing out money to various fatcats for doing nothing whatsoever. I also propose to get rid of the present child poverty targets since they don't tell me what I want to hear and only encourage poor people to remain poor. What we need are proper incentives - such as the imminent prospect of starvation - to make these people become self-employed window cleaners, chimney sweeps and street-cleaners."

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