The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Andrew Lansley Goes Into Hiding.

Rumours in Whitehall suggest that Andrew Lansley, Minister for Stealing the NHS and Flogging It To His Mates, has either gone into hiding or has been placed into solitary confinement for his own good. No.10 has "seized the reins" amid fears that his "Welfare Reform Bill" will be even less popular that his "NHS Reform Bill." Rumours abound that certain clauses in the bill, such as old people being forcibly searched for any money they still possess and their bodies being recycled as fodder for farm animals, are to be dropped at least for the time being. "This is a serious blow to our plans for the enslavement of the more useless members of our society," a spokesman for the influential right-wing 1922 Committee told us. "While we intended to privatise anything that could conceivably make a profit and nationalise anything that can't such as the banks, we have been thwarted in our plans to declare the disabled and pensioners as disposable assets. This is very disappointing since we've already negotiated contracts for using the disabled and dying in nuclear power plants and selling old people for medical research. Dr.Mengele never had this problem."

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