The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Monday, 19 March 2012

Government Plan To Sell Potholes.

David Cameron is warning that Britain is falling behind the rest of the world when it comes to robbing ordinary people of their money and wants to privatise the roads to squeeze even more out of us. "British roads, after decades of government corruption and neglect, are in a shocking state," he told our reporter. "But, worse yet, private enterprise has made hardly any money out of this and it has to stop. So, I've come up with yet another scheme that will transfer public money to private business and, let me tell you, my rich pals are all for it so it must be right. We did think of flogging off all the major roads and making them into tollroads but that simply means ordinary motorists will avoid them like the plague. So, instead, we plan to hand over all the money from the road fund licence to private businesses. I am confident that, after this is done, rich businessmen will be galvanized into ignoring the potholes in our roads as well, since they'll be too busy counting all their new riches. Another idea is to make it an offence for motorists to drive anywhere without a shovel and a boot full of tarmac or for them to drive past a pothole without filling it in. Our existing network of speed cameras can be used to spot offending drivers who ignore potholes - except if they're rich, greedy and stupid that is." Toryism dolendum est!

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