The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Company Embroiled In Fraud Still Advising Cameron.

David Cameron, the winner of this year's "Total Pratt" award, is still taking advice from A4e on privatisation despite a police investigation into fraud at the company. "The company won't actually be involved in the next wave of privatisation as such," a government spokesman told our reporter, "though they will, of course, we well placed to invest in those areas they advise on. So far they have given valuable advice on how to privatise the NHS, the police and welfare." Our reporter was able to get sight of a copy of A4e's advice so far; "Rule No.1. Find something that doesn't belong to you and flog it. Rule No.2. Flog it at a knock-down rate to pals who'll divert some of the profits to you as "party donations." Rule No.3. Ignore all protests from the people who actually own it. Rule No.4. Allow new owners to raise prices and continue to do so until it becomes unaffordable to the peasants. Rule No.5. Pay new executives eye-watering wages plus unlimited expenses to attract the "best" people (i.e. the greedy, selfish and amoral). Rule No.6. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, REGULATE."

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