The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Friday, 9 March 2012

Rangers -75%, Bankers + £35,000,000.

In one of the biggest upsets of the sporting season Glasgow Rangers, a successful football team that pays its players far too much, has lost a crucial match with the banks, an unsucessful team that also pays its players far too much. While Glasgow Rangers may have disappointed several thousand fans by employing the greedy and stupid, the banks have disappointed the entire world by employing the even more greedy and stupid. The difference is that the football players have recognised how greedy and stupid they've been and accepted a 75% pay cut, while the banks couldn't give a tinker's cuss about how greedy and stupid they've been and helped themselves to a further £35,000,000 in "bonuses." We asked David Cameron why his government, despite the outrage the bankers have provoked, has done absolutely nothing to curb this disgusting display of greed; "Let me open my remarks by repeating the same old rubbish about attracting the best people. As you can see paying bankers more money than they can possibly be worth has paid dividends in terms of getting the best of the best. Some of these people are reputed to have IQ's approaching that of Division 3 footballers and are almost at the same level as car park attendants. Secondly, I must also point out that if we refuse to pay these morons huge amounts of money many will simply leave the country and emigrate to Pluto. This would be disastrous for the City of London, which depends completely on just thirty bankers with a combined IQ of 60. This, as I'm sure you know, compares favourably with the present government with a combined IQ of just 12. All of which proves beyound any question that the NHS must be privatised."

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