Service Sector Activity Slumps.

Activity in the service sector slumped to an all-time low in August it was revealed today. "I don't understand it," George Osbourne told the BBC. "I remain convinced that a collapsing manufacturing sector, rising unemployment and rampant inflation will, in the medium term, lead to an increase in call centre activity, sales of sandwiches and banking profits. As I pointed out in my book 'Economics for the Clinically Insane' history proves that destroying an economy is the only way to save it. There is simply no alternative." A Tory voter who was willing to admit as much, although his identity has to be kept secret to protect his family from the truth, said; "I was made redundant last week and immediately employed a gardener, a window cleaner and arranged a valet service for my car. In my experience that's what evryone does when they become unemployed." The Director of an unnamed major insurance company in London told us; "As soon as I heard about the completely unexpected rise in unemployment I told my remaining staff, 'Get ready for a sudden increase in business." Economists who have managed to retain their sanity are less convinced, however. "In this modern global economy," one expert suggested, "being a total moron like George Osbourne might get you elected, but that's no guarantee that economic theories totally divorced from reality will actually work. For that to happen everyone else in the world has to be as dim as you and, in the case of George Osbourne, this is very unlikely. This is doubly so when the service industry you rely on most, in this case banking, are the very people who caused this mess in the first place." David Cameron, staunchly defending his colleague George Osbourne, told our reporter; "The unexpectedly bad figures from the service industry are almost certainly the result of bad policy decisions by previous Labour administration, snow in winter, sunshine in the summer and the lack of a Tory majority in the Commons. I urge people to vote Tory at the next election - give us the tools and we'll finish the job or at least the economy." Nick Clegg, who spent today defending the decision to screw up education even more, commented; "I don't understand this either. My butler, footman, palour maid and cook have been just as busy as always. I can't believe that servants up and down the country, even on council estates, have suddenly become less productive."