Economic Slowdown in Britain Worst Since Records Began.

Economic experts who have managed to hang onto their sanity over the last 30 years have announced today that Britian's economic performance is the worst since records began in 1645. "It came as a bit of a shock when we realised that George Osbourne turned out to be the worst guardian of the nation's wealth since Charles I," one expert told us, "and his political instincts aren't much better to be honest." David Cameron rushed to defend his Chancellor's reputation in an interview with the "Tuscany Times"; "Britain might be sinking rapidly in economic terms but the government retains complete confidence in the Cancellor. I blame our insane economic policy on the last labour administration who left us no choice but to utterly destroy the country in order to save it from them. We remain convinced that private enterprise, despite the lack of demand, rising unemployment, banks that will not cooperate and a complete lack of government initiatives to encourage investment, can and will save us all." Ed Milliband, waving his comprehensive school reports in our reporters face, said; "They should regulate the banks and tax them to raise the necessary revenue for investment." Asked if that would be a Labour manifesto promise during the next election the leader of the opposition replied; "I said "they" not "us" for Christ's sake! Don't you people ever listen? The Tories should institute these policies because we lack the courage to do so. If we had those kind of balls don't you think we would have regulated the banks before they screwed everything up? But I will defend our record in government to the hilt. We presided over one of the longest periods of growth amongst the already wealthy since the Norman Conquest and, if it was only based on the notional profits from an overheated property market, that wasn't our fault was it? Personally I blame the banks."