Clarke Blames Criminals for Crime.

In a surprise announcement today the Justice Secretary, Ken Clarke, has announced that the criminal activity during the recent riots was caused by criminals. "We were completely dumfounded by these findings," Ken Clarke told the BBC. "Who could have predicted that attacking police, smashing shop windows and looting stores would have been carried out by such people? Most of the government was convinced that the riots were simply random events that all just happened to occur at the same time and involved teenagers under the influence of violent computer games. It just goes to show that I was right all the time and that the recent violence is down to a complete systemic failure of the prison system under the previous government." Meanwhile Boris Johnson, Second Banana in the Tories comedy line up, told reporters that the riots "caught everyone by surprise." "Who would have guessed that throwing millions of people out of work, refusing to give many of them any state support and then taking away any hope of ever getting a job would affect them so much? I've asked all my Tory pals and they agree. They simply expected these people to accept their lot and retire to their estates in the country for a spot of huntin', fishin', and shootin'. That's what me and my pals would have done. I asked our Top Banana David Cameron what he will do when he's eventually sacked and he had no hesitation - 'Bugger off to Tuscany and open a rippingly good vinyard'. Why don't the unemployed in this country take a leaf out of David's book and do something like that instead of hanging about street corners? I just don't understand it."