The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday 2 November 2011

Head Of Lloyds TSB Phones In A Sicky.


Antonio Horta-Osorio, the head of Lloyds TSB pictured above, phoned the office this morning to tell them he's having a few days off because he's "sick." We asked the bank, which is 41% state owned, for a statement; "Mr.Horta-Osorio's wife phoned us this morning to say that he wasn't feeling very well and had been advised by his doctor that he is physically and mentally exhausted. He has been battling for months to keep executive bonuses on track and has been driven to the brink of a nervous breakdown because he thought he might get only £1 million this year instead of his customary £2.5 million. As it is he got the lot but then his worries really began. How could he get his hands on the money and pay no tax? What would he spend it on? How can he avoid a public lynching? How much to bung the government for turning a blind eye? Ordinary people just don't understand the pressures that such outstandingly wonderful people like Antonio are subject to."

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