The News In Shorts

How the news would look if everyone stopped waffling and told the truth.

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

Government Blackmails Unions While Pandering To Finance And Big Business.

Farncis Maude, the Minister for Cabinet Blackmail, has told the unions to accept a settlement over pensions or the government will no longer negotiate. "These people must understand," Mr.Maude told our reporter, "that they don't have the right to a pension as good as mine and must work longer to support members of my class who often live to be 100. Striking in defence of themselves would be irresponsible since it might cost some of my mates money and we're going to screw them no matter what." In the meantime the Westminster MP Mark Field, who has tried to rid his constituency of the homeless and doesn't believe in democracy as far as Occupy London is concerned, has informed us all that tax havens are necessary and beneficial; "Well beneficial to me," he told our reporter. "The rest of you can go whistle for all I care. Without tax havens how would big companies avoid tax and where would people like me invest the money we get for being corrupt?" David Cameron has responded to this by offering warm words for the Archbishop of Canterbury's stance on corporate greed and very little else. "Greed is unacceptable," he told "The News In Shorts," "but my hands are tied. I would back a Robin Hood tax but my friends in the finance industry wouldn't like it so I won't." Then came the body swerve; "We have to be careful that if we introduce a Robin Hood tax then countries might avoid giving aid to the third world." We asked our economics editor why this would happen; "It wouldn't would it. Cameron only said that throw the Archbishop a curve. The two things are not evenly remotely connected. Even for a lying toad like Cameron that was a bit much."

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