Lord Taylor of Warwick, having served his prison sentence for theft, is planning his return to the House of Lords. "I have much to contribute to the debate on prison reform," he told our reporter while managing to keep a straight face. "I also have a deeper understanding of the desperation that leads people like me into a life of crime. Prison is a matter of survival, of getting to know the ropes, knowing where the vintage Bolinger is stored and when the caviar is served. I have now learned everything there is to know about hardship and will use that experience when considering such questions as how to flog off the NHS for maximum profit and how to deny benefits to those that need it most. Life is hard for the peasants and I intend to use my position in the Lords to make it a damn sight harder. I am not just a common thief, I am a common Tory thief."
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