"Modern Compassionate Conservatism" and Other Oxymorons.

As Tories gather for their conference in Manchester a crisis threatens to engulf the party as the word "oxymoron" is reinstated into the English language. The word means, more or less, "a contradiction in terms" and has wide currency in the United States but has been unfashionable in Britain for some decades. "It was never a popular word in this country to be honest," a Tory spokesman told our reporter, "and we've always believed that Americans only use it to show off. We've been forced to reevaluate it because of David Cameron and his "Modern, Compassionate Conservatism." The words don't actually go together you see. Conservatism means preserving the past and, as such, can never be regarded as "modern." As for compassionate - I had to look it up in a dictionary." We asked David Cameron for an explaination; "Look Conservatism is now "modern" because we can't use words like "archaic" or "irelevant." As for "compassionate" we are. We've been very compassionate to the bankers for instance and to tax avoiders. You have to realise that returning Britain to the 1840's is "modern" as far as we're concerned. Personally I'd prefer taking it back to the Norman conquest." George Osborne supported his leader; "Conservatism is "modern" in terms of the economy, though I prefer the term "medieval." It is also compassionate - we often shed a tear for all the people we've thrown out of work and whose pensions we're stealing. We are moving into a post-democratic world in which "volunteering" will be increasingly important. With no rights that can be enforced, no paid work and a voting system that is largely redundant only a thoroughly "modern" Tory party actually has the necessary experience to govern."